Sirius and the Muggle Artifacts
by Lumiellie
Summary: Being raised in the Black household, Sirius Black never had a chance to experience the muggle world. Now that he's free, he tries out various muggle objects and tries to find a purpose for them. Often that purpose is not the one that the object is intended for. (Series of one-shots)
1. Sirius and the Vacuum Cleaner

**DISCLAIMER: I am not J.K. Rowling. I am not J.K. Rowling. I am not J.K. Rowling.**

 **This story will be a series of one-shots where Sirius Black has no idea what Muggle objects do and he attempts to figure out how they work.**

A nineteen year old Sirius Black had always been fantasized by muggle objects. He had entered a store called, "Home Hardware", trying to pass time in central London. He saw a sign saying "Highest Suction." Unsure of what that could mean, Sirius walked up to the sign and saw a long tube attached to a canister that hat a small plug. The plug meant to be plugged into something that muggles called a "socket". Sirius had learned that muggles plugged things into the wall to provide them with a thing called _electricity_. Something Sirius had never used in his life. His parents, the pureblood supremacists, would never dare figure out what this peculiar muggle artifact could do.

The long tube that was attached to the canister was by some boxes labelled with the picture of the canister-tube. It was labelled _Dyson DC66 Vacuum cleaner._ Sirius laughed to himself, "They call this a DEE-son VAY-Come cleaner. I wonder what purpose it serves."

The store wasn't quite crowded and Sirius decided that he would figure out the function. He took the plug straight to the wall, knocking the vacuum off the display. _"Merlin help me_ ," Sirius muttered to himself as a bunch of boxes fell down, creating an echo of crashing noises. _Oops,_ Sirius thought. He picked up the vacuum, preventing it from knocking any more boxes over. He was surprised at how light it was, considering that muggles didn't have charms to make things lighter.

Sirius took the plug and dragged it over to a wall. He wasn't sure what a socket looked like and wasn't about to find out. Finally he found a white rectangle with a bunch of holes in it. Figuring that was a socket, Sirius tried to figure out how to use it. He stuck his finger in it and felt a jolt. _Nope! That's not how it works. How can muggles stand to do this? It's awfully painful!_

After minutes of contemplating, Sirius figured out that he had to put the prongs of the plug into the socket. _Hah! Imagine if James was here! I should call him wall-socket-muggle-Prongs_.

As he put the prongs into the holes in the socket, Sirius was looking for the next thing to do. There was a switch that looked interesting. Sirius switched it on and heard a loud noise that sounded awfully like a broomstick on fire. He put his hand over the tube and felt a weird suction feeling. _So this is what the sign meant by the highest suction._

By the socket, there was a mirror. Unsure of war the vacuum cleaner did, Sirius looked around. He sat down on the ground and twirled one of his curls with his fingers. _Wait! This is what muggles use for hairstyling!_

Surprised by his stroke of genius, Sirius put the vacuum cleaner over his head and felt his curls be lifted up by the suction powers of the vacuum. The air was cool on his scalp and Sirius realized that muggles were geniuses by inventing a hair-styling-vacuum-cleaner. He removed the vacuum cleaner and saw that his hair was now sticking up. Enthralled by this, Sirius did it again and again.

Maya Collins was working her summertime job at Hone Hardware. A sketchy looking man had come into the store and was absolutely intrigued by the cameras at the front. He laughed to himself and something must have caught his eyes because he headed to the back. Maya sighed and went back to helping a young couple who were buying a set of lawn furniture. Sighing, she heard the sound of multiple boxes crashing and the possible sound of something being moved. _My boss is going to be absolutely angry with me,_ Maya thought to herself, groaning because she had to clean up boxes that were half her size. After internally complaining for a bit, Maya heard the vacuum cleaner turn on. It wasn't uncommon for people to test it out but this time was different. Maya heard a deep, throaty, laugh and headed to the back where the man was vacuuming his hair. _This is a new one,_ she thought to herself _, I don't usually deal with the weirdos in this job. Usually the restaurants get the weirdos._

Sirius looked up as a twenty-something woman glared at him with her chocolate brown eyes. Her thin lips were pressed into a frown and her black hair was put into a bun that rivalled McGonagalls. "What do you think you're doing?" The staff member asked, shaking her head.

"I'm using the deeson vaycome cleaner." replied Sirius who had long ago turned the muggle device off as soon as Maya came along.

"The Dyson Vacuum cleaner is meant for floors, not your hair. Now get out before I call the police! NOW!" Maya yelled at the man who had evidently came in to cause trouble.

"It feels so good. Also don't put your finger in the socket, it doesn't feel good at all," Sirius whined.

"Out! Now!" Maya yelled.

Sirius ran out of the store, barely able to contain his laughter. That muggle girl was so stupid. Who would use a deeson vaycome cleaner for the floors when it could be used for hairstyling.

Muggles were complete idiots.

Sirius set off to go find James and tell him about his newest discovery. After all, he had an extremely fun time with the vacuum cleaner.

 **A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I could barely contain my laughter as Sirius vacuumed his hair. Anyways, when you review, feel free to give me the next muggle thing you want Sirius to try out.**


	2. Sirius and the Umbrella

"Hey Sirius, want to go into the muggle world?" James asked, wanting to go into the muggle world to get a break from the constant pressure of the wizarding world.

"Sure, why not?" Sirius replied.

"I found a weird metal bin with black lids. It smelled horrible, but it looked quite interesting. I think it was outside a place called Tez-coh or something like that. It had a bunch of food in it."

"Perhaps that's where muggles keep their food! I say we go explore it."

The two Marauders apparated behind the Tesco where muggles were less likely to see them. If a muggle were to see the two of them apparating, that would cause major problems with the Ministry of Magic. James shivered, the apparition had made him cold and the overcast autumn day wasn't helping. They walked up to the closed dumpster and Sirius plugged his nose. "I don't see why muggles would keep their food in here. It smells awful," he whispered, not wanting a muggle to overhear them.

James tried to open up the lid, but due to his smaller frame, he was unable to get up to the dumpster. He paced around, finally finding a wooden block. Picking up the block, James walked over to the dumpster and used the block as a stool. He opened up the lid, now able to see inside and spotted some black bags and some white bags. "I don't see why they would keep their food in these bags. Muggles must not know how to package food properly if it smells so badly in here."

Sirius snickered, "Perhaps muggles like food that tastes bad."

"Maybe so- oh look, I found something! It looks interesting!" James said, looking excited. The dumpster lid had partially closed on him, making it look as though James was being eaten by some strange muggle contraption. "I don't see why muggles would throw out something like this."

Sirius opened up the lid, freeing James who had grabbed a rather peculiar looking object. It had a curved handle and had some flowery fabric covering it. "I have no idea what this is, but it looks super cool. I want it!" Sirius exclaimed.

"No, I want it. I found it!" James whined pathetically, pushing a button on the strange contraption and staring at Sirius with astonishment as it opened up. "Merlin, these muggles are smart, creating a portable roof."

"Do you think you can eat it? After all, these muggles keep their food where you found it, perhaps you can eat it." Sirius said, looking at the umbrella. He never knew muggles were this smart, creating a portable roof. Sirius just wasn't sure what the portable roof could be used for.

James licked the umbrella before making a look of disgust and wiping his tongue off with a sweater sleeve. "Don't try that Padfoot. I mean you can if you want to, but it isn't the smartest thing to do. Muggles have the weirdest taste in food."

Sirius licked the umbrella and immediately regretted it. The umbrella tasted like a combination of rotten fish, Snivellus's hair, and vomit, "I don't know why muggles would keep this with their food, maybe they like the taste of disgusting things."

Unbeknownst to the two Marauders, a Tesco staff member, Jared, was coming outside for a smoke. He went out to the back door, grabbed a cigarette and lit it, enjoying the nicotine rush. He sat on the concrete steps, staring at the overcast sky when he saw two boys, around nineteen or twenty, playing around the dumpster. He sighed, he had to deal with dumpster divers every second day. These teenagers didn't appear to be homeless, but they appeared to be messing around. One of them, the shorter one, had grabbed an umbrella and was waving it around in the air.

He walked up to the two of them and yelled, "Are you guys serious?"

Sirius couldn't help but giggle. Pointing at James, Sirius laughed, "I'm Sirius, but he isn't." James nodded at this and broke into laughter, waving the portable roof around.

Jared rubbed the area in between his temples. He muttered, "I don't get paid enough to deal with this."

Sirius felt a question burn at the back of his skull. Dying to ask the muggle something, Sirius asked, "Hey Tesco worker, do you have any apples in your food storer?"

Jared felt a wave of anger rush through him, "That is a dumpster, are you an idiot? We do not put food in dumpsters, we put trash in there. Now get away from here before I call the cops on you."

The two Marauders could hear the anger in Jared's tone. They both looked at each other, James holding the portable roof, and they broke into a run. They apparated to Sirius's manor where the two broke into fits of laughter.

"Did you see his face?" James chuckled, holding his portable roof.

"He looked so pathetic! We need to do that again," Sirius laughed.

James could agree to that.

 **A/N: This story was written for the Houses Challenge, but I felt that it was appropriate to add it to this story.**

 **House: Gryffindor**

 **Category: Drabble**

 **Prompts: Umbrella [Object]**

 **Word count** : **860**


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